Apocalyspe (Almost) Now

November 24, 2004
By Nicholas D. Kristof

If America's secular liberals think they have it rough now,
just wait till the Second Coming.

The "Left Behind" series, the best-selling novels for
adults in the U.S., enthusiastically depict Jesus returning
to slaughter everyone who is not a born-again Christian.
The world's Hindus, Muslims, Jews and agnostics, along with
many Catholics and Unitarians, are heaved into everlasting
fire: "Jesus merely raised one hand a few inches and . . .
they tumbled in, howling and screeching."

Gosh, what an uplifting scene!

If Saudi Arabians wrote an
Islamic version of this series, we would furiously demand
that sensible Muslims repudiate such hatemongering. We
should hold ourselves to the same standard.

Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins, the co-authors of the series,
have both e-mailed me (after I wrote about the "Left
Behind" series in July) to protest that their books do not
"celebrate" the slaughter of non-Christians but simply
present the painful reality of Scripture.

"We can't read it some other way just because it sounds
exclusivistic and not currently politically correct," Mr.
Jenkins said in an e-mail. "That's our crucible, an
offensive and divisive message in an age of plurality and
tolerance."

Silly me. I'd forgotten the passage in the Bible about how
Jesus intends to roast everyone from the good Samaritan to
Gandhi in everlasting fire, simply because they weren't
born-again Christians.

I accept that Mr. Jenkins and Mr. LaHaye are sincere. (They
base their conclusions on John 3.) But I've sat down in
Pakistani and Iraqi mosques with Muslim fundamentalists,
and they offered the same defense: they're just applying
God's word.

Now, I've often written that blue staters should be less
snooty toward fundamentalist Christians, and I realize that
this column will seem pretty snooty. But if I praise the
good work of evangelicals - like their superb relief
efforts in Darfur - I'll also condemn what I perceive as
bigotry. A dialogue about faith must move past taboos and
discuss differences bluntly. That's what blue staters and
red staters need to do about religion and the "Left Behind"
books.

For starters, it's worth pointing out that those predicting
an apocalypse have a long and lousy record. In America,
tens of thousands of followers of William Miller waited
eagerly for Jesus to reappear on Oct. 22, 1844. Some of
these Millerites had given away all their belongings, and
the no-show was called the Great Disappointment.

In more recent times, the best-selling nonfiction book of
the 1970's was Hal Lindsey's "The Late Great Planet Earth,"
selling 18 million copies worldwide with its predictions of
a Second Coming. Then, one of the hottest best sellers in
1988 was a booklet called "88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will
Be in 1988." Oops.

Being wrong has rarely been so lucrative.

Now we have the
hugely profitable "Left Behind" financial empire, whose Web
site flatly says that the authors "think this generation
will witness the end of history." The site sells every
"Left Behind" spinoff imaginable, including screen savers,
regular prophecies sent to your mobile phone, children's
versions of the books, audiobooks, graphic novels, videos,
calendars, music and a $6.50-a-month prophesy club. This
isn't religion, this is brand management.

If Mr. LaHaye and Mr. Jenkins honestly believe that the end
of the world may be imminent, why not waive royalties? Why
don't they use the millions of dollars in profits to help
the poor - and increase their own chances of getting into
heaven?

Mr. Jenkins told me that he gives 20 to 40 percent of his
income to charity, and that's commendable. But there are
millions more where that came from. Mr. LaHaye and Mr.
Jenkins might spend less time puzzling over obscure
passages in the Book of Revelation and more time with the
straightforward language of Matthew 6:19, "Do not store up
for yourselves treasures on earth." Or Matthew 19:21, where
Jesus advises a rich man: "Sell your possessions and give
the money to the poor. . . . It will be hard for a rich
person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

So I challenge the authors to a bet: if the events of the
Apocalypse arrive in the next 10 years, then I'll donate
$500 to the battle against the Antichrist; if it doesn't,
you donate $500 to a charity of my choosing that fights
poverty - and bigotry.

Gentlemen, do we have a deal?

---
At my Baptist mother's urging, I began to read the first book in the Left Behind series some years ago and found it both simplistic and vaguely offensive. I didn't finish the thing, and have since refused her continued efforts to get me to read the remainder of the series.
It would appear that the reactionary, evangelical consumers who made the Left Behind authors so wealthy are in large part the same folks who got our simplistic and vaguely offensive President elected to a second term. It's my hope that these well-meaning sheep will eventually look beyond the fish symbols on their SUVs and WWJD bracelets on their children's wrists and recognize these marketing efforts for what they are: false prophets for profit.